I'm nervous to feel deserved

nothing says texas like 60s diners...

2004-02-07T21:35:40Z

Mm today was nice...
Katie picked me up, we went to whatever it's called diner thingy in pequannock, then we went shopping. I bought stuff for once so um yay?
It was a nice day though, very relaxed, or something.
My head really hurts...I think I fucked up in forgetting my thyroid meds yesterday morning:/

I'm all set to be bored until like 7 tonight...
I feel kinda sad but I'm not sure why...
Eh. May be boy related.
Or life related.
Who knows?

I'm gonna go clean my room then maybe take a walk to the park and read or something, it's a beautifully dreary yet warm day. <3 to that.

Later.

grlingrnjacket @ 2004-02-06T20:05:00

2004-02-07T01:10:44Z

Today was today...
I had lotsa fun in gym for stupid reasons, but my wrists hurt like a fucker. So worth it.
There were clicky noise languages and ink blots and potatoes...

This weekend's going to be confusing.
I just got back from dinner with the girls, Izumi, yum.
Then uh I dunno something might happen later on, then tomorrow is shopping, maybe the plaza, the cool beans (coffee house somewhere far awayish) then something i can't say cuz it's a secret and then sunday is God knows what...
maybe Kelly day. (polka dot painting, hair cutting, potato sack races and bowling)
Um...or... no comment. ;)

...Boys are confusing me today.
Aye.

Lovely message...
"Brian called at 11. He said...
'hahahah
ahah
hahahah
hahaha.'"

I figured it out an hour later:)

Mom set me off tonight, Linds was no better. Shit faces. I supressed but it's coming. I'm scared. As always. But I'll worry about that when the time comes.
My amp is shitty. It was on as high as possible and it sounded wretched.

I'm out.
<|3

Peace and bathroom poker.

Thingy from James' journal...

2004-02-06T00:06:23Z

W - You like your privacy.
H - You are not judgemental.
I - You are always smiling & making others smile.
T - You have an attitude, a big one.
N - You like to work, but you always want a break.
E - You are a very exciting person.
Y - You cause a lot of trouble.

Well...if you call me TNY...then it's right.

THE best mix everrr

2004-02-05T22:06:18Z

01. bigwig - your in sample
02. student rick - falling for you
03. rx bandits - infection
04. less than jake - throw the brick
05. bigwig - cheers
06. reel big fish - sellout
07. slick shoes - candy
08. rx bandits - get
09. less than jake - liquor store
10. yellowcard - everywhere
11. bigwig - girl in the green jacket
12. student rick - in the cold
13. less than jake - 3 quarts drunk
14. rx bandits - secret agent man
15. bigwig - best of me
16. allister - fraggle rawk
17. less than jake - big
18. bigwig - pro-life taker
19. reel big fish - beer
20. less than jake - johnny quest thinks we're sellouts
21. student rick - i wish
22. bigwig - my so-called friend

Pure ecstasy.
:D

Yes and it was COMPLETELY necessary to post that.
Hah. Linds got Mikey this toy for his birthday that's s'posed to be a cake but it looks like stuffed utters.

borderline personality disorder

2004-02-05T21:54:05Z

Today.

1st period
Erla was a bitch and made me get a late pass? Wtf man it's STUDY. Die a few times.
Coffee was gross, I burned my tongue, good times.

2nd period
We talked about slut groups and STDs. I think I'm going to like this class...

3rd period
Didn't fall asleep, that's always good in my book. (Hah... "what book?") Found out we're supposed to get snow tomorrow. That'd be cool... if there's some kinda no school-age. Otherwise... fuck winter.

4th period
First day of volleyball. I like it... I think. A big class, but some fun people. No spiking though... Kelly:)

I left during 5th and 6th period to go to the third psychiatrist... well um, I think 3's a charm...
I almost started crying going into the past shit though. I always get like that...
It's hard, ya know? You spend so much time trying to get over it and then you have to talk about it everytime.
The current problem is BPD. He blames my dad. Familiar instablity or something. Mom thinks it's all her fault. I feel bad for that.
I'm starting psychotherapy in Kashoqua's office on the 24th, this woman's s'posed to be good so it's hard to get in. He said immediatly, but, well, if I've learned anything these past few years it's that these things take time... so so much time.
So then in like a month I go in for this deep analysis crap and get medication figured out... starting low, my request... and we'll take it from there.

He says the only way to truely fix this is to fix the initial problem...
...which is my father.
It's nice to hate someone so much and be able to seriously blame all your problems on them.
Well... kinda.

7th period
Macbeth?

8th period
It was actually a lot of fun. We were imaginary countries and had to make allies and had all these problems to deal with and stuff...
"We'll go to war."
"Whit the idea is to stay away from war."
"Well, once they're all gone... THEN we'll have peace!"
"Whitney, your logic as a world leader is frightening."
:)

Weapon dealers, who needs 'em.
No more water for you.
We negotiated well, Wegs.

9th period.
Study with Katie. She kept complaining about boredom. What did she expect? Magic tricks? Strippers?
I felt left out... the 3 of them were talking about their cars...
...and well... yeah.
:(
SOMEDAY!

I found out Kate's been trashing me behind my back...
...not a completely shock. She is a bitch afterall.
This whole sickness deal...
According to the rude stubborn hideously clothed obnoxious know-it-all Russian...
-I'm making it up
-I'm selfish
-I'm trying to make myself seem sick
...etc.
What a fucking bitch. I've never even talked about this shit to her. She's just nosy and listens. She knows NOTHING and thinks she has the right to pass some sort of judgement on me? It shouldn't bother me, because she's Kate, and she's a bitch, and just not a good person and no one really likes her...
...but it bothers me when people think bad things about me... when they're NOT true!
Aye... what a fruit.
Katie defended me though. Props.

Mmm the bus was fun today...some pierced up fag was asking me some very nice questions...revolving around which activities I prefer regarding the cockk.
...Nice.

This weekend has again been completely planned without me...
...and I don't even like the people I'm going to be with. I think it's best that I slowly remove myself from that situation before things get uglier.
"K's a bad letter anyway..."

Hmm that was a nice pointless waste of time...
Ahora esta tiempo para tocar la guitarra.
Hasta luego.

:)
El... peace.
<|3

grlingrnjacket @ 2004-02-04T18:50:00

2004-02-04T23:51:53Z

I love him but he's gotta stop.......

Oh well, fuck it all... that girl in the green jacket...

2004-02-04T21:40:32Z

Today was alright.
Mike's in my 1st period study. I'm gonna get fat. Lots of food.
But also coffee. Oh thank God.

Sociology is cool, Cannon hasn't hit me yet, so that's rad I guess.

I got lots of D's on midterms... but an 89 in history and an A for the marking period. And a C in precalc. WOOHOO! And umm a B in Spanish... totally unexpected.
:D

Mmm volleyball for gym now. Picked it for the same reason I gave myself shin splints for 2 months.
Boys, who needs 'em?

Umm... did my scheduling for next year... 'cept Ms fake hair orange face broke the printer so I have to go back for it...
-anatomy & physiology
-english 12
-art 3
-design
-interior decorating
-advanced photo (might switch for business)
-fashion design & illustration
-gym
-lunch

:) Nice tons of real classes.

Umm...
Not much happened all day...
I think Brian's coming over tonight?
Hmm whatever.

I need to go clean.
Later.

<|3

grlingrnjacket @ 2004-02-03T18:18:00

2004-02-03T23:19:54Z

It's raining and it's so beautiful and I'm so sad...

grlingrnjacket @ 2004-02-03T17:53:00

2004-02-03T22:58:21Z

I'm really upset right now...
My mom got home all pissed off because no one planned anything for her birthday... and she got mad at ME when I'm the only one who tried...
...it's just that now no one's talking to me and that made it impossible.
So she gets mad at the only one who will feel bad. Thanks.
And just as my mom was ditching going out to dinner with, you know her FAMILY to go out with her friend instead...
...just as I really needed someone to kinda just make me feel better...

He left.

So now I'm really upset and completely alone and I CANNOT BE ALONE ANYMORE... I'm just always alone, all the time... too much I really can't take it ... and I don't know ... I mean think about it most people get sad and go to a friend or something, but me, no I just go to this peice of shit because it's all that will listen...
...which is kinda sad because then I get random commenters or even my own friends yelling back...

So there really is no release.
I'm really upset now and I have nowhere to turn to.

And I'm really mad at all 3 of them...
...and they expect apologies from me??
APOLOGIZE TO ME damnit!

Agh, I don't know. I'd take a beautiful walk in the rain but my knee gave out again.
I'll just sit here in the dark lighting candles and playing my acoustic.
Life is great.

:/

grlingrnjacket @ 2004-02-03T15:54:00

2004-02-03T20:59:58Z

Well midterms are over, um, that's cool.
I had 2 hours of study today... ALL BY MYSELF because no one showed up and no one was answering the phone to pick me up (not that they probly would have anyway?)
But whatever. I did my English homework and wrote a song and then I wrote this really long... thing. I dunno. It was insightful or something.

My sister's still not talking to me ...
I mean if I were her I'd probably act the same way but I'm me and I see what she did to me and I know how bad she hurt ME so therefore...
...no apologies. In my eyes she was wrong. Not me. (Hah, of course...)

Mm today's my mom's birthday ... and well don't I feel like shit for ruining it?
IT'S NOT MY FAULT THOUGH DAMNIT!
SHE WOULDN'T LISTEN! I told her what to do to prevent the whole thing and she FUCKING WOULDN'T DO IT! So STOP laying this blame on me...when I tried THAT hard to prevent it... even at the sake of my own sanity. So STOP IT. It's NOT ALL MY FAULT DAMNIT!

Yeah. I wasn't this pissed off before.
I came home and actually got off my fat lazy ass and did some crap... so I dunno isn't that supposed to do that whole thing with endorphins so I feel less shitty? (Don't think so...)
UGH... I need some good form of expression for anger.
Any suggestions?
There's too much broken already.
:/

Bleh.

grlingrnjacket @ 2004-02-02T22:17:00

2004-02-03T03:18:28Z

oh man, why am I thinking about ----?

grlingrnjacket @ 2004-02-02T20:53:00

2004-02-03T01:54:18Z

He makes me smile.

grlingrnjacket @ 2004-02-02T17:09:00

2004-02-02T22:10:34Z

I have the worst headache and that makes it really hard to learn music theory.
AYE.

grlingrnjacket @ 2004-02-02T16:11:00

2004-02-02T21:17:02Z

Precalc and history midterms today. I think I actually failed precalc gracefully, like a nice solid 50 or something, not like the 12 I was expecting. So that's always a nice thing. And then history went well I think, my hand got tired from writing essays and stuff.
English tomorrow, and I may actually study, a little, maaaaaaaybe. Eh probably not.
Today was decent though, there was this thing that happened in the morning...
It was nice.

Ladida my sister's not talking to me and I really upset my mom... but DUDE I cannot help this shit... it's good I guess that I feel so much guilt, otherwise I'd probably be feeling horrible for myself like completely all the time and well that would suck. Not that guilt feels good, but what the fuck can I do about it? It's all my fault but none of it is. Some will go so far as to say they forgive me but I know they don't. It's in their eyes and the way they act.
It really hurts.

I got an appointment for this thursday morning. That's going to be horrible. I'm kinda scared, because it's so important, every word has to be PERFECT or else the wrong thing may happen AGAIN. I'm scurred like woah.

Mmm I'm sickish again. Throat thingy, with a head thingy, and a stuffyness. No fun.

I wish I knew how to fix this.

Today was the worst day of my life.

2004-02-02T00:07:05Z

It was supposed to be the perfect day ...
WHAT HAPPENED!?

Before I knew it everything was falling apart, my sister got mad because she expected me to cut her hair today and just never asks me to do anything and I finally said something and she got really mad...
...then I got really upset about things...

and all of a sudden it's hours later and there's a hole in the wall, I almost strangled my sister to death for saying the worst thing she's ever said to me...
I spent my entire day sobbing or screaming or just convulsing violently from whatever it is that's inside of me...

I am TERRIFIED and so lonely and so hopeless, it's like living each day knowing the next will hurt more.

There are no words to describe how horrible today was, I lost so much, we all did, I ruined everything, and I don't know what to do anymore. Where to turn. If I should even try anymore. Because I just need to say there's SO MUCH that none of you can see or could possibly ever comprehend, and I'm glad, because if ever you felt this...
...I'd want to die for you.

I've never felt such gut wrenching pain in my life...
I ruined one of my favorite days...
(we obviously had to cancel) I just... I don't know why but I was SO looking forward to today...I really feel like my heart has broken...It hurts SO much.
I said things I never thought I'd say, heard things the very same, and just don't know what to do about anything anymore.

How can I go on after all that happened today?
Mom's making me go to the other psychiatrist, but I don't see it doing much. I need something much much stronger. This isn't a matter of modern medicine, it's supernatural... I need to be saved. Not medicated. Not supressed. Healed.
I need so much, and I hurt so much, and I hurt so many...

...I wish I could believe in God. I'm trying so hard to. I want to stop hurting people. I want to stop hurting. I want to stop ruining everyone's lives and every thing. I want to stop ruining my own life. I want to be alive, I don't want to die, but I don't want to stay where I am anymore. I don't want to be the outsider, I don't want to not belong in my own family. I don't want any of this.

Some of the things you said really hurt me today.
And somehow... you'll never forgive me? That doesn't add up but I can't... I don't know. I can't think about that now.

I've got 2 HUGE midterms tomorrow and nothing has seeped through. It's like trying to study after pulling a week's worth of all nighters, having witnessed an entire family's death, having the most extreme guilt you could ever possibly imagine, and just...
... and knowing that it's all in vain. I don't see a future. The past and this wretched present are ruining any chance.
This demon... is ruining everything.

I should be sitting in the kitchen with my family eating insane amounts of food right now, listening to random yes's and no's from downstairs from the guys watching the game, laughing at commercials, having nice conversations with people I know I'm losing...
I shouldn't be doing this.
I cried more than I ever have. Heart broken sobs of sheer pain and exhaustion.

And you'll never see it...

Ow...

2004-02-01T02:33:07Z

My sister's in her room sobbing...hyperventalating... because she's so upset about my grandparents. She wants to have the wedding earlier...
I'm really sad for her.
And there's nothing I can do.

boredom+ procrastination+ disappointment= survey

2004-02-01T02:23:14Z

01. favorite color: lately, green or blue
02. favorite drink: COFFEE
03. favorite computer accessory: umm oh that adapter thinger that connects my computer to my other speakers...
04. favorite cookie: the so not cooked corn poppy ones at school?
05. favorite author: don't really have one, james patterson is decent, i've been on a kick lately
06. favorite beatle: sorry never had one, never will
08. favorite chipmunk: theodore, SO CUTE!
09. favorite ice cream: kate.
10. favorite lover: oh well there are just so many...
11. do you believe in love at first sight: i think i do...
12. do you wash your hands after you go to the bathroom: haha yes
13. do you put empty cartons back in the fridge: nah, that's not so nice
14. do you do things you know you shouldn't: yeh, but we all suck, so yeah
15. do you take responsibility: rarely
16. do you have someone else's underwear: god i hope not
17. do you associate with people you don't even like: yup
18. do you have any psychological disorders: eh a few
19. do you drink diet soda: yup
20. do you kiss on the first date: sure
21. have you masturbated in front of someone not your lover: ha no
22. Broken the law: i guess
23. have you had one too many to drink: in my opinion, there's no such thing.
23. have you stuffed cocoa puffs up your nose: haha i'm so gonna do it now...
24. have you backed into something: probably
25. have you graduated high school: not yet
26. have you bitten someone until they bled: eww no
27. have you ever stolen a street sign: been tempted...
28. have you ever been kissed: yeh
29. have you ever been in a food fight: not really
30. have you ever sucked helium: haha not yet
31. what are you not doing: studying for precalc
31. what are you talking about: never know
32. what are you wearing: mm a blindside t shirt and rhinestones on my underwear? that's about it
33. what are you craving: alcohol
35. what are you lacking: a lot
36. what are you going to do after this: study i hope
37. what are you dependent on: i'd rather not say
38. what are you hoping: that i'll see health one of these days
39. what are you reading: hide and seek
40. what are you listening to: student rick
41. last movie you saw: the first half of coyote ugly
42. last person you touched: hah my mom, but not like that
43. last person you yelled at: ^
44. last time you gave head: shh
45. last person you told you loved: katie, why do i remember that
46. last thing you drank: this wine stuff, it was really really good
47. last year, what were you for Halloween: i'm not sure... the queen of bondage?
48. last year, you were: even stupider than i am now
49. last time you were on the phone: uhh this morning at like 11
50. last song you heard: student rick - in the cold
51. do you want to get married / divorce: hah "i want to divorce" nah, maybe i'll look into marriage someday, I hate to be alone...
52. do you want to have children: undecided, but probably
53. do you want to tell certain people off: YESSS
55. do you want to be somewhere else: yeah i'd like that
56. do you want to be someone else: i think so yeah
57. do you want to be famous: nah not really
59. do you want to hug anyone: kinda...
60. do you want to make a difference: that would be nice
61. how do you feel about PDA: so long as it's not in my way i'm fine with it
62. how do you feel about the other PDA: ...?
63. how do you feel about sex: um... how do you answer a question like that really?
64. how do you feel about president bush: oh what a fag
65. how do you feel about birth control: anything that helps cramps and keeps children out of your uterus is an amazing drug
66. how do you feel about abusive relationships: unless it's in bed... not a good thing...
67. how do you feel about the internet: mm it's a good way to get horoscopes?
68. how do you feel about your family: love/hate relationship
69. how do you feel about your friends: i don't like most of them...
70. how do you feel about abortion: i'm okay with it, but no one agrees with me...
71. do you like jelly beans: yeh i guess so
72. do you like it when it rains: definitly, but not like if it happened everyday
73. do you like to drive: eh, whatever
74. do you like to eat out: that's always fun
75. do you like being home: not at all
76. do you like the people (or animals) you live with: not really?
78. do you like Microsoft: not really
79. do you like your name: nah
80. do you like the person you ganked this from: ganked is a word? (i don't know who it was)
82. worst feeling in the world: to be really scared and have no one to turn to
83. worst color combination: green and purple?
84. worst color: pink
85. worst taste to burp: vomit
86. worst thing about people: judgementalness
88. worst element on the periodic table: oh well they're all so horrible and all...
89. worst disease / infection to get: hard to say... i guess cancer or ebola or something?
90. worst position to sleep in: standing?
91. you are: itchy
92. you are: tired
93: you are: confused
94. you are: worried
95. you are: anxious
96. you are: depressed
97. you are: wishful
98. you are: hallucinating
99. you are: desperate
100. you are: a nice kid?

I am not: pregnant
I love: anyone i shouldn't
I hate: medication
I fear: everything
I hope: to fall in love
I hear: music
I crave: happiness
I regret: being so open about things...
I cry: all the time
I care: a little too much, but it refuses to show
I always: try
I believe: ...no, i don't.
I feel alone: way too often
I listen: 2 words. selective attention.
I hide: no, i RUN, but i can't hide...
I drive: people CCCCCCCCCCCRAZY!
I sing: horribly
I dance: um, the salsa?
I write: lotsa stuff
I play: mind games?
I miss: my old everything
I search: for nice boys?
I learn: anything i can
I feel: too much
I know: what you're thinking...
I say: too much
I succeed: rarely
I dream: to stay sane
I wonder: if my life will ever get back to normal
I want: to be normal
I have: to lose weight
I give: hugs?
I fight: my...self?
I need: to be strong.

*5 things you are wearing*
1. um a shirt
2. underwear
3. a ring
4. a bracelet
5. umm... a rubber band in my hair (sorry that's all i can think of)

*5 things you can see*
1. computer screen
2. red reflection in my acoustic
3. up the down staircase book thingy
4. blue sharpie
5. bamboo

*5 things you ate in the last 24 hours*
1. lettuce
2. mini donuts
3. nutrigrain bar
4. skittles
5. um...coffee?

*5 things you did so far today*
1. went dress shopping
2. took a walk
3. made a bloody mess
4. fucked up a relationship
5. hah, drawing a blank here...

WHAT A WASTE OF TIME.
FOCUS NOW.
P
R
E
C
A
L
C

Oh, crap.
:)<|3

Bad news...

2004-02-01T01:38:31Z

My grandma might have cancer and my grandpa's hip's screwed up again... meaning he has to have surgery again, but last time he had a heart attack and something bad happened during the biopsy and basically the chances of this one turning out well aren't good...
I'm scared for them.
And kinda pissed that no one told me.

(What is a biopsy? I've got one scheduled for march 2nd when I go back to the um ::insert name of really long specialist here:: ... and then my life is over for 6 months. (QUITE the exageration)

Mmm... we were talking about things running in the family today...
it was kinda sick. I feel bad for our children.

Ew it's been 5 years since I trashed my knee.
And 3 since I smashed up the other.
And 1 since I fucked up my back.
And 2 months since my hip.
I hate this fucking disease. I HATE NOT HEALING FROM ANYTHING.
That's kinda twisted... to know like whatever happens I'm stuck with forever and stuff... it's like that movie um... well nevermind I forget what it's called.

Blood results on Monday. I'm kinda scared. Every time they come back with another disease. Why test me? Like... I don't know. The physical shit that's wrong with me is just... PAIN, ya know? Physical pain. You can DEAL with it. I'd rather just not know and not have to deal with it? Make sense?
I mean the stuff that actually bothers me, the stuff that gets in the way of living... THAT I'd like to fix?

Hah. We found out some stuff about that shrink that wasn't supposed to be practicing anymore...
...some very disturbing stuff. Hah, the pills she gave me for my ************ ... well, in reaction with the jfkdsjfksdjfdskjf whatever it was called... I only had a 50 % chance of living.
...Good to know now.

(This is what happens when you have precalc and history midterms in 2 days and don't want to study and your plans that you were WAY looking forward to fell through for no apparent reason other than that someone's mad at you because you were upset and went to take a walk instead of having them come and console you...DAMNIT.)
^ Being this way kinda fucks up my relationships with people...
It's a pain in the ass of irony, that all I want is to have people in my life and that's the one thing it turns away...
I so badly tried to let you in... I really really wanted to. But it won't let you. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.

Mmm this is a bad time for... um, people. I'm so worried about so many people. There's my grandparents, the shit going on with my parents that maybe I shouldn't say? My sister... her world's so going to come crashing down someday and I'm really sad for her... she's been living in a fairytale world for so long that well... the real world's gotta hit someday, right? (If not I hate saying so but THAT'S REALLY UNFAIR!) She kinda bothers me, like she's got her fucking thyroid disorder and makes this huge shit about it like it's the worst thing in the world then talks to me about it like "oh you wouldn't know..."
...um hi I've had it for years longer than you and yours is caused by an infection... mine's an autoimmune thinger, with that really weird chinese godzilla sounding name... and that's like not good, and stuff... and like I don't know, I just never gave 2 shits about it but she just goes around trying to get attention and sympathy for something so minor? And then trying to claim she has it so much worse than me? Like seriously what the fuck is that about?
And then she has one fucking panic attack in her life... and she's like OMG MOM I HATE YOU FOR GIVING ME THE CRAZY GENES...
HAH!!!!!!!!!
If you only FUCKING knew. Just thinking of SO MANY things right now that could be said but since they've been said so many times before it'd only get shit on, but the extreme hell of it all...
... and again, you have the nerve to preach to ME about it? Get a fucking clue bitch. You're life is fucking cake. If only.

Yeah and that really wasn't what the whole point of that was supposed to be...
So me of me, to go off about how I feel bad for people and end up bitching. Well oops, we can't afford the anger management? (But I think it'd cost less than doctor bills to have me admitted into the hospital cuz I went a little too deep or pulled a little too hard or the money it'd cost to fix the damage caused by unconscious hysteria...) BUT WHATEVER...

I'm worried that a friend might be with child. And... that's... so not good. Agh. What the fuck is this world becoming anyway?
It's just this big shit load of disease and heartache... I wonder if a person could honestly just die from so much agony caused by just watching the world fall apart around them?
...Cuz if so... it's definitly coming.
I'm thinking apocalypse sometime soon.
:/
Kinda unnerving.

WHATEVER I'VE RAMBLED SO MUCH TODAY but that only proves how pathetic of a friendless existance I have...
OH to start over.
How lovely it'd be.

...Ever wanted to just rip yourself limb from limb just for what people think of you? Because if you truely are that pudrid it makes you want to throw yourself up?
Yeah, I'm kinda feeling that right now.

If only if only I could start over. Get out of here. Start somewhere where no one knows...
No one knows what the THINK they know.
DAMNIT... I feel a fit of rage coming on. I'm running out of bare unnoticable spots to discolor, and pills are being counted now.
SHIT.

damnit

fuck

shit

douchebag

motherfuck

kill

me

please

(someone almost did today... some guy walked into me and i was like FUCKER! and he turned around and he was this big scary man and i thought he would kill me and i was like ahh? yeah...)

i'm getting the fuck out of here, i'd take another walk but it was way too cold before and it only served to make me more paranoid. Oh, oh damn. and fuck and shit and piss and damnit fucker shitface.
... I need a more extensive angry vocabulary. Maybe some other languages. It might be nice to be a multicultural potty mouth.

FUCK. I'm out.
Peace and match scars.
<|3

grlingrnjacket @ 2004-01-31T17:58:00

2004-01-31T23:00:32Z

Shit... everytime good lyrics come to my head I forget to write them down. Then I forget what they were. Oh, F.

I'm halfway through the song I'm working on, the intro's a little shaky and it makes my wrist hurt, but whatever, it's nice and emo. Fits the red light kinda mood.

grlingrnjacket @ 2004-01-31T16:35:00

2004-01-31T21:58:58Z

I'm not really sure what's going on right now or what to do about it...

I really sank today. It hit me, and I couldn't resist anymore. Last night was the first of many I didn't need to do something bad to cope...
... I thought maybe I was gonna stop it all together... But I had to run with scissors today. I'm really scared if I haven't said it hundreds of times already. What the fuck am I supposed to do? If I go back to that new guy, well I can't open up to some strange old man, and what's gonna happen? He'll tell me I'm borderline, or schizotypal, bipolar, depressed, what the fuck ever, he'll choose the first to come out in discussion and medicate me. And again I'll never be the same, never be real. But I mean was I ever?
I don't know how to approach all of this since I don't really believe in medicine or mental disorders really...
...I mean I honestly can't comprehend how you can have a disorder in the way you feel. I can't even explain what is that I feel, all I know is that it hurts, and it's a huge trap. And I'm alone in being terrified. I've tried to let people in but it doesn't work. I mean there's this one person... I really thought I could ... I don't even know, all I know is it's been a long long time and it's not happening and I KNOW that it's all my fault or my existance's fault... but I mean I can't do anything to stop it. I'm so not understanding how I can't control myself anymore... I feel like I'm just watching. A fucking puppet. I do this and do that without even getting the chance or the luxury to think about it...
...just happens. It's the weirdest sensation and yet I've come to accept it as nature. But this isn't natural. I've been wondering a lot lately if I'm possessed in some way ... which is kinda last resort twisted because I've never been one to believe in that kinda stuff. But I'm desperate for answers now. Thing is... I know I can't be in hell, I mean, there's those random simple pleasures, like coming in from the cold, laying in bed for an extra 10 minutes in the morning, the bleak possibility of a dream becoming reality. If I were in Hell I'd be tortured at all times, right?
Purgatory? What's that anyway?

I'm really wondering though if this something supernatural...because what else could explain it? Any one of the stupid physical things says it could be causing some things...
...but I mean that's absurd isn't it? To say that like an allergy to wheat or an underactive thyroid is going to cause me to torture myself? Lose all those I loved? Are my migranes causing those suicidal images? I mean seriously... that's bull. Yet they say every disease I have causes depression. I've been depressed. This... this aint it. This is stronger, more intense. There's some there, that dull lack of everything... but there's something else there... something unreal. Something disgusting... something waiting to be found out. Something burning at me from the inside...
I'm terrified of the day when it shows it's ugly face.

I've been thinking a lot lately about perception...
How I percive others and vice versa and I can't quite comprehend why the world works the way it does. I remember being younger, only a few years and mocking people who said things just as I do in their journals and stuff... thinking them so fake and in turn I'm getting the same responses by those who don't and even those who do know me...
...and it's got me wondering if anyone's ever seen for who they truely are, what the are, how they are.
I'm really doubting it at this point. Which is kind of sick, I mean to think that I've never met you and you've never met me. We're all complete strangers yet we've had such impacts on each other.

I have so much trouble understanding how people believe in gods...I mean when I'm so preoccupied with something evil ruling everything... I wonder if that in itself is the reason for all this. Is there a god? Has he shunned me for disbelieving? Have I unknowingly slipped over to the "dark side" and now I'm being punished? Would a god punish? I didn't think that was how it worked. Is it maybe the other way around? Is there some sort of devil punishing me for not turning to it's side? Is all of this just crazy?

I really can't stop wondering why I was chosen to feel all of this, or maybe not to feel just to see. Am I meant to do something with it? About it? Am I supposed to help something? Someone? Am I here to make people miserable? Am I here to be miserable? Am I here at all, for that matter? Or maybe...are you? I mean really. How do we know? Faith? I've lost any. What's faith, what's hope, when you've seen the other side?

It's twisted, while writing this in the back of my mind is this anonymous commenter...
...how is it that the world we live in is full of such judgment? Is anyone allowed to be themselves without being punished in some way? The answer's obvious but... why? I wonder sometimes if other people feel the guilt I do for hurting. Do they always know? Do I? I'm trying to find the difference in this and my other journal... and I'm not seeing much of one, other than the fact that my only option is to hold back in here... which in itself makes me sick, freedom of speech my ass, people are brutal.
It's things like that that really bother me. I mean I go through my life hurting people and hating myself for it, and trying to help, but not succeeding, and hating myself for it, most times thinking about how every single split second of the things I do will affect anyone and everyone around me, instead of living for myself... instead of ever feeling any release...

...and I mean that I allow myself to feel THIS for the good of others, even others who I know don't deserve it, but just because I don't want anyone to feel anymore pain than I'm feeling right now...
that I can hurt myself so doing all of this for you and you... well you live for yourselves. And you're FINE!
It's sick to hate yourself so fucking much and still know you're a good person...
...and want to slap yourself for thinking why do bad things happen to good people. Because your actions make you the extreme of hypocracy to say that you're good in any way.

If only we could act as we are. If only we didn't have to act, ever. If only we knew when we were, and when others were. If only others knew when we're not, if only we knew anything about each other.
If only...

I mean how nice would it be if people accepted everything, because everything was true? A perfect world would so not be perfect, but then what are we striving for anyway? If even perfection holds pain??

Shit I don't know...

2004-01-31T20:12:59Z

I was supposed to go out to breakfast this morning but they just never called? Shit fuckers.
So whatever I went dress shopping with someone I haven't seen a way long time and it was just weird or something, then I don't know I fought a lot with my mom this morning and wasn't really sure why? She's mad about shit but I mean I can't do anything about it and she knows it... so why's she mad still? Agh I don't know... but I'm sick of it. Then she tells me I have no remorse. Fucking shit count the scars and the nights lady... hurting people hurts. For me at least. The rest of you are kinda laid back about causing pain but I don't know it's half the reason I want out sometimes. Whatever.

Today's a little too up in the air...
I'm just way confused all the time, I don't know. There's never anything definite but I guess that's what makes it interesting? Whatever. Bleh and shit, I finished that book I was reading and was totally disappointed. I started that other shit but I don't know can't get into it. Maybe it's because I tried to read myself to sleep (works, don't know why, but it does) and I don't know I only do that when things get tough, and it's hard to focus on killing husbands when you're seeing christ figures popping out of wood stain.
Whatever man. Life's fun?

I think... Sunday... eh, I don't know.

:) That was a big space.

Mock me.

2004-01-31T05:05:59Z

Tonight was strange.
I went to Friday's with Katie and Kate...
...feeling guilty for doing so, because Katie D called me and wanted me to go dress shopping with her then she started crying about her family and I feel like I totally let her down... even though she's done it to me so so many times.

So dinner was fun, then we kinda couldn't figure out what to do, we got coffee, laughed a lot, walked around, lost the car for a few, then tried to figure out what to do, ended up going back to Katie's to watch coyote ugly...

...she's really selfish lately. i asked her if i should get a ride home tonight. she said no she'd drive me. so at like 10:30 she wants me to call my now drunk mother and have her pick me up because she doesn't feel like it...KNOWING that my mother's really REALLY mad at me right now for no reason and that doing so would only make matters worse, and she just didn't care. Anything to get her out of doing something. Then Kate's parents who were supposedly so so mad at her wanted to drive us home, so whatever...

I'm sick of people telling me what's wrong and what's not and what I need to do and what I can't...
Don't fucking sit there and tell me that I'm not sick, that I'm just telling myself I am. You sit through one bullshit pysch class and think you can tell me what's up with me? Did it ever fucking occur to you that for the last 4 year's I've been killing myself hiding and pretending for people like YOU? People who are just going to sit there and mock me and tell me to stop ... because YOU'RE not enjoying it?
Don't you fucking dare tell me I don't have it that bad and that it could be worse, that I should look at the good things I have... don't you fucking dare. You think because you hang out with me once in a blue moon you KNOW me? You haven't seen anything, any of who I really am, who I've become. You see what I want you to see, and that's nothing. That's why I have no personality whatsoever, because I hide from people like you because when it gets too tough to suppress and things come out you MOCK ME. Tonight really hurt. I'm sitting on the corner of a mattress biting my lip so I wouldn't begin to fucking sob with all my heart and laughing uncontrollably at the pain, then stabilizing what would be hours of convulsions because I can't let you see that, but I feel this sudden overwhelming sensation that I'm being attacked right there, in the other world I'm existing in, on the other side of my mind.

And you have the nerve to judge it? Do you know what it feels like? To know that you may be this close to the edge only because years ago you liked the idea so much that you made yourself this way? And now there's no way back? And there's no one to talk to about it because they don't care and don't want to hear it and don't believe it and already have their own twisted view of who you are and why you are what you are...
...it makes me want to just die right there. And make them watch. It hurts, it hurts to think so much and so strongly of death and endings and anything painful because it's all I've come to know... and to do so all so silently right in front of you and you don't even notice. All of that wears one down beyond any comprehensible belief.

I really don't think I'll ever get better from here. Only better at hiding. Forcing myself to stay alive. For YOU. Tonight's the first night in a while that I haven't taken something, some pill or some alcohol or something that exists only to take your mind away...
...and I CAN'T handle it. I'm so TERRIFIED. And there's no one to go to at this point. Even my own mother...

She's hiding something from me. Something big. She won't tell me ... everytime I ask she does that slight sigh and tells me she's fine but she's so obviously lying. I MUST tell her every single shitting detail about how I feel and what's going on with me to the point of destruction and she won't tell me what's going on? WHY? Who'd it hurt? All you're doing now is hurting me, and probably yourself in the process. So why? It really hurts... that she thinks so little of me at this point that she can't tell me a single aspect of her life when mine's become public display for all of her aquaintances...
That's just low. After all of this does she still view me as an ignorant child? I've seen more than she has... and she still doesn't trust me with her pain? Fucking shit... that's low.

I've had one of the worst nights in a while tonight... and got nothing but mockery for it. I fought off an attack for 2 hours... and I'm still fighting. Sleep won't come easy tonight, I'm araid of what in my mind will attack me, what will tonight make my heart skip a beat and send me reeling into a world of breathless shrieks and convulsions. And the ever popular self mutilation. I'M SCARED... and I've nowhere to run. I'm sick of trying, sick of pretending, and having you all think so little of me.

All I ever wanted was your life.
And because I can't have it... I may have to take mine.
Life hurts.

Because we need a secondly update on my mental state...

2004-01-30T18:47:47Z

I feel alright today. I'm a little sick but the kind you just push away because you're not in the mood to feel like shit right now...

I slept until almost 11, which was much needed. So I feel well rested now? Then I spent like 6 hours talking to Kelly because my sister neglected to tell me we were mom shopping today and then yeah so I couldn't do anything with Kelly so um yeah...I'm waiting on Linds to get home now so we can buy presents and maybe get myself a job? One can hope.

It was nice today to just chill, to sit around drinking coffee and just waste time productively? Makes sense to me, at least.
Except EW revelation...I'M MY MOTHER.
I put down my coffee and like screamed. My black coffee next to her black coffee on top of our lists of things to do with the same coffee ring and the same spill down the side of the cup. Both left the coffee pot on. THE ASS IS NEXT! AH!

Mmm yeah so I don't know I'm out of things to say just felt like talking to myself I guess.
And stating once again that STUDENT RICK WAS THE MOST AMAZING BAND EVERRR.

Peace.

imagine a world without Jenny...

2004-01-30T03:00:04Z

Verycherry14: did i tell you?
GrLinGrnJacket: ... that you're really vague?
Verycherry14: I went to a seafood disco...
Verycherry14: and pulled a muscle

Sometimes you just wanna marry this girl...

2004-01-30T02:55:06Z

GrLinGrnJacket: ___ has a girlfriend. :-(
steph is banging: :::bang bang:::
steph is banging: what girlfriend?